weekly update
2007-02-27
Argh. I'd spent a half hour writing a post and the server timed out. Annoying, as the post and the half hour are completely lost. This post will consequently be much shorter than the original!
First, readers linking in from myspace... please register with Shoutpost.com (the host of this blog) if you want to comment on any entries. Also, this lets me see who's reading. Thanks :)
In what is hopefully the final installment of the AWOL psychiatrist... there was resolution on this issue on Thursday and Friday last week. I spoke to the psychiatrist with whom I do CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), and she interceded with her supervisor on my behalf. He contacted my med-managing shrink, who called me that night and said it was okay if I wanted my CBT-shrink to manage my meds until the time she returns to town (I already knew why she was gone -- her mom has cancer and they don't know how much time she has left). So that's what's happened. My dosage was increased on Friday, and thank goodness I can already see a little difference. Working yesterday was way easier than last week, and I'm not feeling my usual monthly downturn in mood thus far, with one small exception.
The exception is in relation to the wedding. Even though we've sent out the invitations to the Copenhagen ceremony, there's still a big part of me that just doesn't want to bother with all this any more. My heart just isn't in it, no matter how hard I try to get back into it. Now it just feels like something very expensive that we need to endure (something like surgery?). I know that I'll go through with it for Jan and our families, mostly because this ball's already rolling down the hill and it's too late to stop it. But I don't really feel like doing much if any of it. I'm not looking forward to my shower, and I'm dreading having to put up with all the awkward parental interactions at the ceremony and reception. Part of me feels like I always knew this was going to be a problem and that it was stupid to even try to have a wedding (just knowing that there's been so much conflict about it just makes the whole event still feel poisoned). It's not that I'm trying to be a stick in the mud, a martyr, or a spoilsport. It's just been a bad situation and extra stress that I haven't needed, and I just still feel bad about it. True to CBT form, I keep trying to examine my automatic thoughts about it and keep trying to reframe them, but they seem like very small weapons against such crushing feelings.
This week I'm trying to get excited about it by going shoe shopping. I have two options, and I hope that somebody has an opinion about them (hence the plea to myspace-based readers about registering!).
Option 1. I like the style of these better but am concerned that the heel is too high. I wore flats when I had my dress fitted.
Option 2. The heel is shorter, but I like the style of these less. I have a taupe pair of work shoes that look just like these already in my closet.
Either way, I will probably try to get them dyed afterwards so I can wear them again on dressy occasions. What do you think?
Back to work for me... until later!
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